The Tortallan Foods
by Cosmic Goddess
Summary: Hee hee. The gang dresses up like various foods and chaos occurs! Chapter 8 is a very special chapter...
1. Fruits

The Tortallan Fruits  
  
(Alanna, Numair, Daine, Jon, Thayet, George, Buri, and Onua enter, from stage left or right, meeting in the middle.)  
  
Alanna- (dressed as a big, yellow banana, complete with banana shoes) Welcome to our show! We are The Tortallan Fruits! Rejoice, for we are fruity!  
  
(Daine is dressed as a strawberry, Numair as a cluster of grapes, Jon is an apple, Buri is a plum, Onua is a pear, George is an orange, and Thayet is dressed as a potato.)  
  
Daine- Um, Thayet? Potatoes aren't fruits.  
  
(The rest of the cast erupts into laughter, while Thayet stands there in her stupid potato costume, a puzzled expression on her face.)  
  
Thayet- (twirls hair, which she has dyed very, VERY blonde) Um, like, are you like sure? Cuz I like checked out a book, and like, it said like, words, and stuff.  
  
Numair- I am quite certain that potatoes are of the vegetable class, and not the fruit category. Now, Daine, on the other hand, is dressed appropriately for our play. You make a very lovely strawberry, dearest. (Waves at Daine and blows her a kiss.)  
  
Daine- Thank you, Numair. You look quite dashing, you cluster of grapes you.  
  
Alanna- (to Thayet) How stupid are you, anyway?  
  
Buri- Don't you dare insult Her Majesty like that! If Queen Thayet says that potatoes are fruits, then they are FRUITS!  
  
Alanna- All right, fine. I'll give you that one. Thayet IS a fruit…  
  
Jon- Ahem. If we could continue, please…  
  
Onua- Yes, can we? I feel stupid enough as it is. Why couldn't I be the apple? I hate pears! I'm allergic to them!  
  
Buri- Well, its not like you're going to be eating yourself.  
  
Jon- I WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE, IF IT'S OK WITH THE REST OF YOU PEOPLE!  
  
(Everybody stares at Jon, except for Thayet, who is still trying to work out the whole potatoes-are-not-fruits thing.)  
  
George- Do you think I have a big nose?  
  
Everyone (except Thayet)- Yes.  
  
George- Ok. Just so I know.  
  
Jon- Oh, forget it. This was a stupid idea to begin with. I'm outta here. (Walks offstage, muttering) Of all the pointless, idiotic ideas. (Throws the apple costume on the stage floor.)  
  
Onua- Yes! Now I wield the power of the apple! Worship the appley goodness that is me!  
  
Thayet- Hey! I don't think my idea was stupid. It was one of my more clever ones.  
  
Alanna- And it would be, wouldn't it? (Rolls her eyes.)  
  
Daine- Where were we? I don't think we've even got one line in.  
  
Offstage voice- The ballad of the peanut butter!  
  
Daine- Oh, yeah. Well, we can't really do that number anymore, since Jon left. Peanut butter only tastes good on apples.  
  
Onua- I could be the star! I mean, I do have the cool apple costume.  
  
Numair- How could we forget? You made such a big deal about the costume when Jon quit.  
  
Buri- Do you know the words to the peanut butter number?  
  
Onua- Of course I don't! Do you think I was actually paying attention whenever we rehearsed it? I'll make it up as I go along.  
  
(Spotlight on Onua, now the apple.)  
  
Onua- (music starts, she sings horribly off key) I am the apple! You are the peanut butter! (Points at a large jar of dancing peanut butter) Together we taste gooooooooooooooooooood. Bask in the glory of the peanut butter-coated-APPLE! For we are tasty, and marvelous, and fabulous, and delicious, and WONDERFUL IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE! Worship the altar that is meeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
(Everyone stares at her in stunned silence.)  
  
Onua- (startled) What? Did I sing it wrong?  
  
George- Yes. Horribly wrong. Don't ever, EVER, attempt to sing again. EVER!  
  
Onua- (blissfully unaware that she is being insulted. She's just happy to be wearing her precious apple costume) Okey-dokey. (Strolls merrily offstage, happy with her performance).  
  
Daine- Anyhoo, what comes after the peanut butter ballad?  
  
Alanna- I think its Numair's solo, Grapes of Wrath.  
  
Numair- That's me!  
  
Buri- Well, duh.  
  
Numair- Um, I forgot the words. (Scuffs feet on stage, looking embarrassed.)  
  
George- (with a sigh) What else could possibly go wrong?  
  
(Roger strolls on to the stage)  
  
Roger- How about me?  
  
(Everybody but Thayet screams. Alanna searches frantically for her sword, Daine changes into a series of animals looking very bewildered, Numair stares at Roger open-mouthed, Buri runs for cover, and George giggles.)  
  
Thayet- Hey, you're kinda cute. But like why aren't you like dressed as a like fruit?  
  
Roger- SILENCE, INSOLENT FOOLS!  
  
Thayet- You're funny. (Twirls hair, not fully understanding the situation. Hey, what else is new?)  
  
Roger- (looks at Thayet with surprise) W-what? I'm funny? Hmm, no one's ever called me 'funny' before. And now is no time to start. Be gone! (Points at Thayet, who disappears with a puff of yellow smoke.)  
  
(Everyone who thinks that Alanna and Jon should have married cheer loudly.)  
  
(Black God glides on stage.)  
  
Black God- (sighing) Why won't you stay dead? (Grabs Roger by his ear.) Back to the Realm of the Dead with you! (Both vanish, with Roger squealing in pain.)  
  
(Everyone who is left looks puzzled.)  
  
George- Um, yeah.  
  
Alanna- Right.  
  
Buri- Maybe we should leave.  
  
(Readers cheer loudly at this suggestion.)  
  
Daine- (to Numair) Are you as puzzled as I am?  
  
Numair- Probably more.  
  
Alanna- Well, that's the show folks, I think. Thanks for reading!  
  
(Everyone leaves.)  
  
  
  
A/N: Yes, I know, this is very stupid. That's what happens when I get bored. I write stupid fanfics involving fruit. Go figure. I'd appreciate the R&R anyhow. Tell me how stupid my fic really is! Go on, you know you want to…  
  
Disclaimer- I own nuttin' but the plot and the Ballad of the Peanut Butter. The characters all belong to the genius that is Tamora Pierce. 


	2. Veggies

A/N: Hey, you all asked for more! This is all YOUR doing! Well, here it is. Only this time, its vegetables!  
  
  
  
1 Veggies  
  
(Enter Alanna, George, Jon, Buri, Onua, Myles, Daine, Numair, and Thayet.)  
  
(Alanna is a big brown bean, George is a cucumber, Buri is a pumpkin, Onua is a carrot, Myles is a an onion, Numair is an ear of corn, Daine is some broccoli, and Thayet is a tomato.)  
  
Jon- (dressed as a stalk of celery, and looking quite unhappy) Yo. Welcome to tonight's show, Veggies. Run away while you still can! (Attempts to run offstage, but Numair grabs him, holding him back.)  
  
Numair- Could you have said that with any less enthusiasm?  
  
Jon- Yes. Now let me go! (Vainly tries to wiggle out of Numair's grip.)  
  
Numair- Not until you promise not to run away again. We're going to do a play right for once.  
  
Jon- (glaring at Numair) I'll get you for this, Salmalín. I swear I will.  
  
Numair- (shaking Jon) Promise.  
  
Jon- (muttering) Fine. I promise I won't run away again.  
  
Numair (lets Jon go) Good.  
  
Thayet- Are you like about like done?  
  
Myles- Queen Thayet, not to contradict you, but tomatoes are classified as fruits.  
  
Onua- What are you talking about?! I don't know what planet you're from, but here on Earth tomatoes are definitely VEGETABLES.  
  
Myles- I beg your pardon, but what are you smoking? THEY'RE FRUITS. Ask any scholar.  
  
Onua- How dare you, you drunken know-it-all onion! (She attacks him.)  
  
(Myles and Onua fight, shouting insults and "Veggie!" or "Fruit!" in the background, while the rest of the cast tries to pick up where they left off.)  
  
Thayet- (just now understanding what they're fighting about) But, like, tomatoes are like vegetables. I'm like totally sure this time!  
  
Alanna- (ignoring her) Um, well, what's next?  
  
Daine- I don't think this was such a good idea. Whose was it, anyway?  
  
Thayet- Mine! I'm like total a like, uh, person with like brains.  
  
Jon- (runs as fast as his little celery legs can carry him) Ha! I'm freeeeeeeeeeee! Never again will I be roped into doing one of my wife's stupid plays!  
  
(Numair chases after, but Jon throws his celery costume at him. It's very heavy, and Numair is knocked to the ground.)  
  
Numair- Ouch. I feel pain.  
  
Daine- Oh, my poor Numy-wumy! (Races to him and comforts her corny lover.)  
  
George- (picks at his costume) I like pickles better than cucumbers. (Shouting into the audience) Does anybody have any brine?  
  
Alanna- (kicks him) Would you stop clowning around?  
  
Buri- (whining) I wanna do my solo now! My turn! Me!  
  
George- Ok.  
  
(Spotlight shines on Buri)  
  
Buri- (singing to the rhyme "I'm a Little Teapot") I'm a little pumpkin, short and stout. On Halloween, you'll scrape my guts out. When you've carved my face, here me shout: Light me a candle and put me out!  
  
(Audience claps weakly)  
  
Daine- Thayet shouldn't be allowed to write the lyrics anymore.  
  
Alanna- Well, at least Buri remembered all the words and didn't have to improvise, like Onua and that nauseating peanut butter song.  
  
(Cast and readers shudder at the memory)  
  
Numair- (on his feet) Thank the gods that Buri can sing.  
  
Buri- (red with embarrassment from the praises) Well, you know, my vocal training DID focus chiefly on singing pumpkin songs…  
  
George- Are you guys sure you don't have any brine? I usually keep a spare jar in my pockets in case of an emergency. (Searches inside his costume.) Darn it! The jar is in my orange costume!  
  
Alanna- Since when do you even like pickles? And you never carry around a jar of brine, you idiotic liar.  
  
George- So? In the fruit play, I hardly got to speak at all. I'm just trying to get my share of the limelight. WHEN WILL IT BE MY TIME TO SHINE?!  
  
Numair, Daine, Alanna and Buri- Shut up.  
  
George- Ok.  
  
(Just in case you were wondering, Myles and Onua are still fighting behind everyone.)  
  
Daine- Alanna, why don't you do your song now?  
  
Alanna- No way. My song sucks! It's really humiliating…  
  
Buri- Come on, Alanna! I did mine.  
  
Alanna- (grumbling) Fine. (She clears her throat, and the spotlight shines on her, then sings without emotion.)  
  
Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more you eat 'em, the more you toot! So eat your beans at every meal, and the better you'll feel! (Looks embarrassed.) There, are you happy?!  
  
(Cast and audience try their hardest not to laugh, with no success.)  
  
Numair- (laughing really hard) I never get tired of listening to you sing that! I mean, Alanna the Lioness, singing a ridiculous ditty about beans!  
  
Alanna- (glaring daggers at him) If I only had my sword with me…(she notices George, doubled over with repressed laughter) You, my dear, are gonna get it later. And it will NOT be pleasant, you stupid cucumber.  
  
Thayet- Are like tomatoes really like fruits?  
  
Alanna- (enraged) That's it! I'm sick of you and your idiocy! Fear my wrath!  
  
(She advances menacingly on Thayet. The queen, seeing Alanna, squeals and promptly jumps off the stage. But her tomato costume is made out of rubber, and she bounces right back up.)  
  
Numair- I've got and idea! Let's play "Tomato Basketball"! It's a game I just made up! (He grabs Thayet and dribbles her like a basketball and then shoots at the basketball hoop that appeared.)  
  
Numair- (sinking the ball in the basket) Swish! Nothin' but net, baby!  
  
Daine- Oh, Numair, you're so athletic! (She runs offstage and returns with a cheerleading costume stretched across her broccoli-clad body, swinging broccoli-shaped pom-poms.) Numair, Numair, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!  
  
Buri- This is absolute nonsense. Why do I put up with you crazy people?! (She stomps offstage, and throws her pumpkin costume.)  
  
Numair- (the costume hitting him) Ouch! What is it with you people and your obsession with hitting me with your costumes?  
  
(George and Alanna strip off their own costumes and hurl them at Numair. Daine doesn't notice because she is too busy cheering, and Thayet is preoccupied with her new role as a basketball.)  
  
Numair- (cries) Waaaaaaahhhh! I want my mommy! (Sucks on his thumb.)  
  
George- If you were a tree, what kind would you be: evergreen or deciduous?  
  
Onua- (looking up from her fight) Deciduous!  
  
Myles- Evergreen! (This starts another fight. Shouts of "Pine trees rock!" and "Maples forever!" can be heard.)  
  
Thayet- (stuck in the basketball hoop) What's like deciduous like mean?  
  
Alanna- I hate you all.  
  
Daine- Ra ra schish coom ba! Goooooooo team! (Does the splits.)  
  
Alanna- SOMEBODY CLOSE THE CURTAIN! NOW!  
  
(The curtain drops, right on Alanna.)  
  
Alanna- Ow…  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Super stupid, isn't it? Hee hee, that's whatcha get when I have too much pop! It's amazing how crazy I can be… Anyway, thank you for reading! Muwhahahahaha! *Goes to the fridge for more pop*  
  
Disclaimer- I own zip, zilch, zero, null, goose egg, nothing. 'Cept maybe the whole veggie thing, and Tomato Basketball. Then again, maybe not. Someone else might be even more psychotic than me and done the story first… Doubtful, though. I AM THE INSANE QUEEN! Ahem. Back to the point. The characters all belong to the goddess that is Tamora Pierce.  
  
Deciduous (for Thayet's benefit): adj. of trees, losing leaves annually. 


	3. Dairy

Salute to Dairy  
  
(Enter Jon, Alanna, Daine, Numair, Buri, Onua, Myles, George and Thayet.)  
  
(Jon is dressed as a carton of milk - 2%, the best! -, Alanna is a stick of butter, Daine is a wedge of cheese, Numair is a bowl of ice cream, Buri is a can of yogurt, Onua is a bagel spread with cream cheese, Myles is a tub of cottage cheese, George is a wheel of cheese – with one piece missing – and Thayet is dressed as a cow.)  
  
Thayet- Mooooooooo! I'm a like a big pretty like cow! Mooooooooo!  
  
Jon- (ignoring his ditzy wife) Yes, we're back to torture you further.  
  
Alanna- JON!  
  
Jon- What?  
  
Alanna- That's not your line, you blockhead!  
  
Jon- Like I care what my line is. How did I get roped into doing this again?! WHY ME?!  
  
Daine- I'll do his line. Hello, and welcome to our play for tonight, Salute to Dairy!  
  
Numair- Oh my love, you did that perfectly! (He tries to smother Daine with kisses, but he can't reach because his ice cream bowl costume is too wide.)  
  
Daine- AFTER the show, Numair. Not here!  
  
Numair- (pouts) Fine.  
  
Alanna- Anyway…tonight we are actually going to attempt to FINISH the show and have everyone do their songs or skits. I am so very doubtful, but we're going to try.  
  
George- (inspecting his costume) Hey! I'm missing a piece! (Looks around stage, spots Daine.) Aha! There it is! (Picks Daine up, and tries to shove her into the empty spot. She screams and bites him, legs and arms flailing.)  
  
Daine- Let go of me, you dolt!  
  
Numair- (outraged) Drop my girlfriend, thief!  
  
(George immediately drops her, seeing the look of viciousness on Numair's face. Daine plummets to the ground.)  
  
Daine- Ow…  
  
George- Oopsie!  
  
Myles- I don't like cottage cheese. Who does?! It's moldy cheese, for Mithros sake! I wish I was some cheddar…now, that's a fine cheese! Did I ever tell you about the time when I got locked in a cheddar cheese factory? Man, it that was one hot CRAZY summer!  
  
Onua- Shut up, Gramps.  
  
Myles- (highly offended) Floozy!  
  
Onua- (taunting) Moldy cheese! Moldy cheese!  
  
(Myles tries to strangle the life out of the irritating bagel, but Buri restrains him. Onua sticks her tongue out at him.)  
  
Onua- LOSER!  
  
(Myles lunges, but Buri hold him back. He settles for scowling maliciously.)  
  
Jon- If we HAVE to do this, can I at least do my song now, and get it over with? I feel absolutely ridiculous.  
  
Thayet- You like SMELL ridiculous like too!  
  
Jon- (looking at his vapid wife strangely) What…?  
  
Thayet- Like, I don't like know.  
  
Jon- Okay…(muttering under his breath) Why did I marry her again? (Looks at her carefully) Oh yeah, I remember! She's hot! Hi, you sexy little cow! (Waves at her.)  
  
Thayet- Mooooooooo!  
  
Alanna- Jon, do your song. NOW.  
  
Jon- (purring at Thayet) No. You can't tell me what to do Alanna! I'm the king! ME!  
  
Daine- I'll do my skit!  
  
Alanna- Whatever.  
  
Daine- (flexes her foamy cheese muscles) Behold the power of cheese…(lifts heavy weights effortlessly.)  
  
Numair- (clapping) My little Danish is so strong! (Kneels at her feet.) I am beholding the power of the cheese!  
  
Buri- Get a grip, Numair. Sheesh.  
  
Numair- (getting to his feet, liquid sloshing and spilling out of his bowl) I think I'm melting…and it's cold!  
  
Myles- (he is calm now, and tastes a bit of the liquid) Numair, you weren't supposed to use REAL ice cream on your costume!  
  
Numair- (sheepishly) Well, I wanted to make it look authentic…and it was Thayet's idea! (Points an accusing finger at the cow, I mean, queen.)  
  
Alanna- (incredulously) You took advice from Thayet?! What a moron!  
  
Numair- Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…besides, I like ice cream! I was gonna eat it later.  
  
Onua- (to Daine) And you're going to marry this dunderhead?  
  
Daine- Yeah, well, what can I say? He's rich, and cute!  
  
Numair- (has a bit of the ice cream) Mmmm…ice cream soup… (Slurps up the cold mess with relish)  
  
George- Hey, don't hog it all, mage! (Sticks his head in the bowl and eats noisily)  
  
Thayet- (wistfully) I like wish I like had some like toast…  
  
Buri- Why?  
  
Thayet- (points at Alanna) Well, we like have the like butter, but like no toast to like spread her like on!  
  
Alanna- Thayet, my costume is made of foam! I'm smart enough to know that making costumes out of real food is stupid! Unlike SOME people I know…  
  
Thayet- Are you like sure?  
  
Alanna- (making fun of Thayet) Like yeah, I like am like totally like sure!  
  
Thayet- I'm gonna like check. (Takes a big bite out of Alanna's costume.)  
  
Alanna- Hey, I'm wearing that!  
  
Thayet- (chewing thoughtfully…wait, how can someone who doesn't HAVE any thoughts chew thoughtfully…ok, she just chews on the foam) Like, it tastes like buttery!  
  
Jon- Thayet, take that out of your mouth!  
  
(Thayet spits out the foam, hitting Jon in the eye)  
  
Thayet- Hee like hee!  
  
Jon- Fruit.  
  
Thayet- No, this is like the MILK like play, silly.  
  
Jon- (wiping the projectile out of his eye) Yeah, like I care which stupid play it is.  
  
Numair- (to George) Hey, you ate all my ice cream soup! (Shoves him)  
  
George- Ouchie! You hurt me! (Runs off stage crying hysterically) Mommy!  
  
Myles- Hey, your mommy is my wife! Wifey! (Runs after George)  
  
Onua- Freaks…  
  
Alanna- (trying to get back on track) Ok, Daine got her skit in. Numair, you wanna go now?  
  
Numair- (dripping with ice cream) Not really.  
  
Alanna- (agitated) Tough. (She pushes him out to the middle of the stage. He stands there, dumbfounded.)  
  
Numair- Uh…hi. Um, I have bunny slippers! (He pulls a pair of fluffy white bunny slippers out of his costume.) Aren't they cute? I wear them to bed, and around my tower, and sometimes when I work…  
  
(Alanna, Buri, Daine and Onua all give him funny looks, then explode with laughter.)  
  
Daine- (laughing hysterically) You wear bunny slippers? That is so hilarious!  
  
Onua- (doubled over with laughter, and notices that Jon is just standing there) Jon, what's the matter? Don't you think the bunny slippers are funny? Or, do YOU have a little secret too?  
  
Jon- Well…(looks embarrassed, then draws something from his costume) I wear bunny slippers too. But mine are blue!  
  
Thayet- Like, bunny slippers are so like stupid!  
  
Alanna- Thayet, for once I agree with you! I think I would just die of laughter if I found George wearing a pair of those absurd things!  
  
Numair- He DOES wear them. He's in the Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club. So am I, and so is Jon. I'm the vice president.  
  
Jon- I'm the president!  
  
Numair- (muttering) Yeah, only because you threatened to behead anyone else who tried to be, you stupid control freak.  
  
Jon- What was that?  
  
Numair- (looking innocent) Nothing!  
  
Onua- (runs around the stage screaming at the top of her lungs) Monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey!  
  
Buri- Well, Onua's finally cracked.  
  
Onua- (yelling at Jon) You are a spotted monkey bum!  
  
Jon- (sadly) I know…  
  
Daine- Didn't I say it would happen soon? I am the smartest of everyone!  
  
Numair- No, I am!  
  
Daine- Me! You're too tall to be smart.  
  
Numair- Oh yeah?! Well, you're too…uh…you're just too!  
  
Onua- EVIL FLYING BANANAS OF DOOM!  
  
Alanna- Doom…?  
  
Onua- (turns to look at her, eyes glazed over) I like peas.  
  
(Numair suddenly dashes offstage. When he returns, he is wearing a grass skirt, a flowered lei around his neck and a flower tucked behind his ear.)  
  
Buri- Now Numair's lost it.  
  
(Numair is sashaying around the stage, bunny slippers on his feet, waving like a beauty queen.)  
  
Daine- (watching him with interest) Ooh, Numair…you look good in a skirt…  
  
Numair- I'm a fish! Woof!  
  
Jon- Ok, this is getting WAY to weird for me… I'm gonna go find George and tell him he's the new vice president of the Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club. (Jerks his thumb at Numair) Skirt-boy over there is sure as heck not gonna be in MY club anymore. (Walks offstage, muttering about crazy mages and such.)  
  
Onua- I have opposable thumbs! (Wiggles her thumbs at Alanna)  
  
Alanna- (pushes her away) Get away from me, you nutcase!  
  
Thayet- (feeling her face) Hey, I like have a nose! Like, cool!  
  
Daine- (distraught) Poor Numair! He's a loon!  
  
Onua- (pecking at Buri) I'm a turkey! Gobble gobble!  
  
Alanna- (realizes that the curtain is still open and people are still reading –A/N: I hope, anyway!-) Another play ruined. (Sighs, then walks away.)  
  
Daine- Hey, don't leave me all alone with these lunatics! They'll eat me!  
  
Buri- (still being pecked by Onua) Well, when in Rome… (Pecks at Numair.)  
  
Numair- I can fly! (Jumps offstage, flapping his arms. Hits the floor hard, and then laughs uncontrollably.) Ha ha! I think I've broken my legs! Hail to the cupcake!  
  
Thayet- (amazed) Like, wow…I have like fingers too!  
  
(Alanna storms back onstage.)  
  
Alanna- Close the @!#$*& before I have to hurt someone!  
  
(Curtain falls, but Numair can still be heard shouting "Hail to the cupcake!" and other various desserts, while Thayet exclaims over newly found body parts.)  
  
A/N: Ok, so I didn't exactly stay on the dairy subject. What else is new?! I'm insane! Join the party! (Giggles) My feet are asleep… Oh, and by the way, I DO like cottage cheese!  
  
Disclaimer- All of the characters in this story belong to Tamora Pierce. Compared to her, my stories look like ditzy Thayet wrote them. The Guys Who Think Bunny Slippers Are Cute And Cuddly And Fun Club is mine, though. Just the product of being up late and having too much sugar. SUGAR IS GOOD! Muwahahahaha! And the "Behold the power of cheese" slogan belongs to the cheese commercial peoples. 


	4. Spices

Spice-O-Rama  
  
(Enter Alanna, George, Jon, Thayet, Numair, Daine, Buri, Onua, Myles, and Coram.)  
  
(All of them are dressed as giant salt and pepper shakers with words on the fronts identifying what kind of spice they are: Alanna is oregano, George is nutmeg, Jon is cloves, Numair is pepper, Daine is paprika, Buri is cinnamon, Onua is ginger, Myles is thyme, Coram is sage, and Thayet is multi-colored sprinkles.)  
  
Thayet- (reading off of Myles's costume) Like, you like spelled "time" like wrong. (She giggles.)  
  
Myles- (rolling his eyes and sighing) Your Highness, t-h-y-m-e is the correct spelling for the spice.  
  
Thayet- (looking completely bewildered) Like, okay. Whatever!  
  
Coram- Yer Highness, ye do realize that yer not dressed as a spice, don't ye?  
  
Thayet- Sprinkles are spices! I like totally asked the cook, and she said like yeah!  
  
Alanna- You're messed up, Thayet.  
  
Thayet- Like, so?  
  
Daine- I wanna dance the funky chicken dance!  
  
George- Me too!  
  
(They begin to dance.)  
  
Daine- Cluck!  
  
(Numair leans over and whispers to Jon, Myles, and Coram. They all link arms.)  
  
Numair- We're gonna do the can-can!  
  
Buri- Gods help us all.  
  
(Jon, Myles, Coram and Numair dance the can-can. They get their legs up quite high.)  
  
Coram- I'm a purdy show girl!  
  
Onua- Let's get started: We are being forced to come back out here and put on more food plays. Why? I don't know. Probably because Thayet, ditzy as she may be, IS queen, and told us that she would throw us in the dungeon if we didn't.  
  
Alanna- We should have taken the dungeon option. Spices? This has got to the dumbest one yet.  
  
Buri- Who was the bonehead who that of it, anyway?  
  
(Anvil drops from out of nowhere and squashes Buri.)  
  
Buri- I've been squished!  
  
Daine- (stares at Buri, having stopped dancing) Uh oh. You've pissed off the author. Now we're in for it…  
  
(There is a big flash of light, and suddenly Jon is wearing a neon pink, sleeveless evening dress, with matching heels.)  
  
Jon- Oh, man!  
  
Thayet- Jon! You're like wearing my like wedding dress!  
  
Jon- It's not like I want to be! Blame HER! (He points upwards)  
  
(There is another flash, and a little green man stands onstage.)  
  
Little Green Man- I am the leprechaun of doom! Fear my greenness, for it is doomy!  
  
George- Well, I like to sniff oregano! (He grabs Alanna and sniffs her.)  
  
Onua- I think little green men are hot! (She grabs the leprechaun and kisses him.)  
  
Leprechaun- Ack! (He struggles in her grip.)  
  
(Another flash –A/N: I feel like tormenting the characters today– and SpongeBob SquarePants appears onstage.)  
  
SpongeBob- I'm ready!  
  
Numair- Who're you?  
  
SpongeBob- I'm SpongeBob SquarePants! I live in Bikini Bottom, with my friends Patrick, and Sandy, and Squidward, and-  
  
Numair- (interrupting) Ok buddy, all I asked for was a name, not your whole life story!  
  
SpongeBob- My pants are square!  
  
Myles- Mine too!  
  
SpongeBob- Squirrels are sooooo dumb!  
  
Daine- They are not!  
  
SpongeBob- I work at the Krusty Krab! I'm the fry cook!  
  
(One more flash of light.)  
  
Coram- (looking around stage frantically) Well, what happened?  
  
Alanna- (nervously) It was probably something really, really horrible…  
  
SpongeBob- I live in a pineapple house!  
  
Thayet- I like pineapples!  
  
Jon- (still in his pretty little dress) Crap! Whatever happened this time is so bad, that it has yet to come!  
  
Disembodied voice- Hee hee! I'm disembodied!  
  
Myles- Yes, we see that.  
  
Disembodied voice- Oh, ok. Good…  
  
Buri- (still squashed) Who are you?  
  
Disembodied voice- I'm the author, Courtney.  
  
Alanna- So YOU'RE the evil menace who sent those stupid things here!  
  
SpongeBob- My best friend is a starfish!  
  
Courtney- Yup. Oh, by the way, nothing happened after the last flash. I just wanted to make you nervous.  
  
SpongeBob- (runs around the stage, a spatula in one hand, a net in the other) Let's go jellyfishing! I'm ready, I'm ready!  
  
Onua- (looks up from making out with the leprechaun) Ready for what?  
  
SpongeBob- (shrugs his shoulders) I don't know. It's just my catch phrase. I'm ready!  
  
Numair- So, nothing happened with the last flash?  
  
Courtney- Yeah. But that doesn't mean that nothing won't happen with THIS flash!  
  
(Another blinding flash of light, and it starts raining.)  
  
Daine- Rain? That's it?  
  
SpongeBob- I'm ready!  
  
Coram- Would ye stop that already, ye annoyin' yellow cube?  
  
Thayet- But, like, SpongeBob isn't like yellow! He's blue!  
  
Jon- No, he's yellow.  
  
Buri- No, she's right! Look! (She points at SpongeBob, who in fact now IS blue.)  
  
Alanna- Hey Myles, you look kinda funny…you look blue too!  
  
Myles- (looking at his hands) What the heck?!  
  
Courtney- (cackles evilly) See Daine? It wasn't JUST rain…it turns people (and sponges) blue!  
  
George- You're twisted.  
  
Courtney- Oh yeah? Well, YOU'RE Santa Claus!  
  
(George's stomach swells, his spice shaker costume turns in to a red suit, he grows a beard, and his shoes turn to big black boots. His skin is blue.)  
  
George- Ho ho ho!  
  
Thayet- I'm like sprinkles!  
  
Courtney- (disembodied voice sounding cruel) I don't like you, Thayet. Maybe if you don't speak, I won't give you a fate worse than death.  
  
(Thayet actually understands the threat, and clams up.)  
  
Courtney- Nah…I think I WILL give you a fate worse than death…  
  
(Another dazzling flash of light.)  
  
Thayet- I'm like Britney Spears! Noooooooo! That like IS a fate like worse than death!  
  
Alanna- (laughing madly) You're even more ditzy now!  
  
Daine- If that's possible…  
  
Courtney- Hmmm…who's next…  
  
Thayet- I'm a slave for you!  
  
(Everyone tries to look inconspicuous.)  
  
Courtney- Myles!  
  
Myles- No! Please, I beg of you!  
  
(Everyone else that hasn't been tortured breathes a sigh of relief.)  
  
Courtney- I wouldn't be so happy if I were you. I'll get to the rest of you guys in a minute. Now, Myles…you shall be forced to wear a big green chicken suit forevermore!  
  
Myles- Even when I'm dead?  
  
Courtney- Yup. I want you to be made fun of in Earth AND the Underworld.  
  
(A brilliant flash of light.)  
  
SpongeBob- I'm a cube!  
  
Myles- I'm a chicken!  
  
Daine- Hey, why don't you go get a job as a mascot?  
  
Myles- BECAUSE I'M A CHICKEN! A GREEN ONE!  
  
Jon- Does this dress make me look fat?  
  
Thayet- Oops… I did it again!  
  
George- Ho ho ho! Who want's to sit on Santa's lap?  
  
Alanna- Don't be gross, George!  
  
Courtney- (yawns) I'm tired of this.  
  
Numair- Thank the gods!  
  
Onua- I love you, leprechaun of doom!  
  
Leprechaun- Save the meatloaf!  
  
SpongeBob- Where's Gary? He says MEOW!  
  
Courtney- I'll just cause the rest of you misery in the next story.  
  
Alanna- (gulps) N-next story?  
  
Courtney- Oh yes. I have many more demented ideas for you all. And as my grand finale, I shall have you all sing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.  
  
SpongeBob- I have a theme song?  
  
Courtney- Yep. You even have your own show.  
  
SpongeBob- I was not aware of this…  
  
Courtney- SpongeBob, go away.  
  
(Another flash of light occurs, and SpongeBob disappears.)  
  
Buri- Thank the Goddess!  
  
Thayet- Hit me baby one more time!  
  
Courtney- SING!  
  
All:  
  
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?  
  
SpongeBob SquarePants!  
  
Who's absorbent and yellow and porous is he?  
  
SpongeBob SquarePants!  
  
If nautical nonsense be something you wish,  
  
SpongeBob SquarePants!  
  
Then flop on the deck and flub like fish!  
  
SpongeBob SquarePants!  
  
SpongeBob SquarePants!  
  
SpongeBob SquarePants!  
  
SpongeBob … SquarePants!  
  
Courtney- That was awful!  
  
Thayet- Like hey! I like don't sing like bad!  
  
Courtney- Yes, you do. Be quiet!  
  
Thayet- Don't let me be the last to know!  
  
Courtney- I think I'll do one more wicked thing before I end this story…Alanna shall be covered with mayonnaise and made into a tuna fish sandwich.  
  
Alanna- I hate tuna!  
  
Courtney- I know.  
  
(One last flash of light, resulting in Alanna having mayo dumped on her, then tuna, then hard-boiled eggs, then bread.)  
  
Daine- Ugh! You smell like fish, Alanna!  
  
Alanna- (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder why…maybe it's because that maniac just dumped TUNA on me?!  
  
Daine- That could be it…  
  
Courtney- Ok, enough. I'll get Daine, Numair, Coram, Buri, and Onua in my next story. Onua, let go of the leprechaun!  
  
Onua- No! He's mine!  
  
Courtney- On second thought, I'll get you NOW.  
  
(The leprechaun disappears, and instead Onua is holding Justin Timberlake from N*Stink.)  
  
Onua- Nasty! Get away from me!  
  
Justin- Let me serenade you with a song, my love!  
  
Courtney- I'm gonna end this before we all go deaf from Justin's foul voice.  
  
(Curtain closes.)  
  
  
  
A/N: In case you didn't grasp this, I hate N*Stink and Britney Spears. I hate the Buttstreet Boys too, so maybe I'll get them in the next story. I felt like being evil to our beloved characters this time, so that's what the whole disembodied-author-and-the-flashing-lights were. Muwhahahahaha!  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own any on Tamora Pierce's characters. I also don't own Britney or N*Stink. They are products of the media. SpongeBob, his song, and the rest on the crew belong to Nickelodeon. The leprechaun of doom is mine. Hee hee… doom is fun… 


	5. Candy

Sweet Tooth  
  
Warning: You might need to have seen and/or read Lord of the Rings to understand parts of this story...  
  
(Enter Jon, Alanna, Daine, Numair, George, Thayet, Buri, Onua, Coram, and Myles. They all look terrified.)  
  
(Jon is dressed as an ice cream cone, Alanna is a bar of chocolate, Daine is a pack of gum, Numair is a lollipop, George is a chocolate chip cookie, Thayet is an apple, Buri is a candy cane, Myles is still a big, green, rubber chicken, Coram is a gingerbread man, and Onua is a slice of cake.)  
  
Disembodied voice- Welcome to the show, Torture the Characters. I mean, Sweet Tooth. Hee hee. I am Courtney, exalted author and creator.  
  
Jon- I'm the king, and I say that you can't torment us!  
  
Courtney- Yeah, like I really care what your little insignificant title is. For your insolence and stupid outburst, I shall force you to listen to Ricky Martin for the rest of your pathetic life.  
  
Jon- That's a stupid punishment! Ricky Martin is my hero! Livin' la vida loca!  
  
Courtney- QUIET! He won't be your idol for long. Listening to his appalling voice for all of eternity will soon change your mind.  
  
(Flash of light, and Jon is sporting a pair of headphones.)  
  
Jon- Shake your bon bon! (He dances around the stage.)  
  
Courtney- Next! Uh, since I can't really remember exactly who I tortured in the last story, and I'm too lazy to go check, I'm just going to cause you all agony! It'll be fun!  
  
Myles- I highly doubt that.  
  
Courtney- Did I ask for your opinion?  
  
Myles- No, but--  
  
Courtney- Didn't think so. And I have plans for you, you dumb cluck.  
  
(Flash of light, and angry chittering is heard.)  
  
Myles- What? AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
(Rabid mutant squirrels attack him from all angles. He tries to swat them off, and they bite him.)  
  
Daine- Oh, poor squirrelies! Is the big bad Myles hurting you? (She approaches Myles, and the squirrels glare at her with glowing red eyes and hiss at her. She backs away.) Never mind...  
  
Alanna- Hey Thayet, why don't you try to go pick one up?  
  
Thayet- Like, okey-dokey! Cute little like penguins thingies...(She picks one up, and it pees on her.) Like, yucky!  
  
Onua- Did you know that in addition to little green men, I love Eskimos? I've always wanted to live in an igloo...  
  
Courtney- Onua, shut up.  
  
Onua- You can't make me!  
  
Numair- (nudges Onua.) Yeah, she can.  
  
Courtney- Numair is right, you know. I have infinite power. Anything I say goes. Want a demonstration?  
  
Onua- Not really.  
  
Courtney- Tough! I say...that giant alpacas shall trample you flat.  
  
Onua- That's gonna hurt.  
  
George-What's an alpaca?  
  
Daine- They're kind of like llamas.  
  
Buri- I wish I had an alpaca...  
  
Courtney- If you can catch one, you can keep it!  
  
Buri- Really? Really, really, really?  
  
Courtney- No. Now, silence!  
  
(Flash of light, and stampeding.)  
  
Onua- Yay! My doom comes forth! (She is trampled by raging, cute wittle alpacas.) Ouchie! I've been trampled!  
  
Thayet- Like, are you like all right?  
  
Onua- (giggles) Nope! I hurt in places I didn't even know I had.  
  
Coram- I knew that you had them!  
  
Courtney- Stupid guardsman! Who said you could speak?  
  
Coram- The voices in my head told me to.  
  
Alanna- That's disturbing.  
  
Jon- (tugs at his headphones) Hey, this stupid contraption won't come off!  
  
Courtney- And it never will. What did you think I meant when I said "all of eternity" and "the rest of your pathetic life"?!  
  
Jon- Uh, until I got bored with listening to Ricky...  
  
Courtney- Well, you were very wrong.  
  
Numair- Courtney, may I ask you a question?  
  
Courtney- You are not on a first-name basis with me, Numair. You must refer to me as the Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe.  
  
Numair- Ok...um, Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe, may I ask you a question?  
  
Supreme Empress of Fan Fiction and Everything in the Universe Courtney- Yes, you may.  
  
Numair- Where do you get your infinite power from? And why are you disembodied?  
  
Courtney- Do you really, really want to know?  
  
Numair- Yes, Supreme Empress. I really, really do.  
  
Courtney- Ok, I'll tell you. But only cause I like you.  
  
Daine- Hey! He's mine! (Runs to Numair and holds his arm possessively.)  
  
Courtney- I demand silence! Anyway, it's because I have the One Ring of Power.  
  
(Flash of light.)  
  
Courtney- Where did that come from? I didn't conjure any forms of misery just then!  
  
(Nine beings suddenly stand on stage.)  
  
Gandalf- Frodo, don't YOU have the One Ring?  
  
Frodo- Yeah, it's right here! (He holds up a ring on a chain.)  
  
Courtney- (snorts with laughter.) That's a phony. I stole the true Ring from Sauron eons ago. Didn't you know?  
  
Frodo- But this one makes the wearer invisible!  
  
Courtney- Maybe so, but that's the only thing it does.  
  
Frodo- (puts the Ring on and disappears) Hey, you're right! I can't do anything else with it! Gandalf, you should really check your sources more carefully... (Reappears)  
  
Aragorn- Can we have the real one? Please?  
  
Courtney- What do you think?  
  
Aragorn- I wield The Sword That Was Broken, so I say, yes!  
  
Courtney- Well, since I wield the One Ring, I say that your feeble toy means nothing, and I'm keeping the Ring! MINE!  
  
Alanna- Who are you people?  
  
Legolas- I'm an Elf!  
  
Courtney- (gasps) Legolas is here?!  
  
Pippin- Yup.  
  
Merry- Uh huh.  
  
Sam- We're the hobbits three! (Links arms with Merry and Pippin.) Ta da!  
  
Gimli- I wanna lop off some Orc-heads with my axe! (Runs his thumb across the blade of his axe, and cuts it.) Youch!  
  
Courtney- Don't care! (Flash of light, and a gorgeous girl with dazzling blue eyes and long, golden hair materializes. - A/N: Hee hee, I'm so modest! - She waves shyly at Legolas.) Hi.  
  
Numair- (eyes wide, stares at Courtney.) Wow.  
  
Jon- (mouth hanging open.) Holy crapsicola.  
  
Coram- Goddess bless...  
  
George- You're Courtney? The evil author?  
  
Courtney- (snaps at them) What are you staring at? You've all got girls!  
  
(Daine, Thayet and Alanna glare at their men maliciously. Numair, Jon, and George begin to sweat.)  
  
Coram- My wife ain't here!  
  
Courtney- Now she is.  
  
(Flash of light.)  
  
(Rispah suddenly stands there, hands on her hips.)  
  
Coram- Uh, hi honey! How are you?  
  
(Rispah rolls up her sleeves and advances on Coram. The other ladies follow suit.)  
  
Courtney- Hi Legolas!  
  
Legolas- Yo.  
  
Boromir- Hi Courtney!  
  
Courtney- (to Boromir) Didn't you die?  
  
Boromir- Maybe...  
  
Courtney- So, why are you here?  
  
Boromir- I dunno. One second I was golfing with Elvis and Abe Lincoln, and the next I'm standing here. It was strange.  
  
Courtney- (feigning interest) That's nice! (Turns back to Legolas.) What brings you guys to my humble story?? (Bats her eyelashes.)  
  
Gandalf- Because you have the Ring.  
  
Courtney- (twirls the Ring on her finger) And your point is...?  
  
Gimli- We kinda need it to stop Sauron from destroying all of Middle-Earth.  
  
Courtney- Sucks to be you!  
  
Buri- Let me try on the Ring! It's so pretty and sparkly... (Makes a grab for it.)  
  
Frodo- NO! Give it to me! I'm the Bearer! (Tries to grab the Ring.)  
  
Courtney- (screams) No! It's mine! (Put the Ring on and vanishes.)  
  
(Flash of light, and it begins to rain purple jellybeans.)  
  
Courtney- (disembodied again) Fear the wrath of my purple jellybeans of DOOM!  
  
(Update: Thayet kicking Jon, Alanna is wailing on George, Numair and Daine are making out, Onua is lying on the floor in bemused anguish, Buri and Frodo are slapping each other, Rispah is whacking Coram in the head, Myles is being devoured by the squirrels, and the rest of the Fellowship is staring at the jellybeans.)  
  
Legolas- Ooh, I like purple jellybeans! (Tilts his head up and opens his mouth.)  
  
Courtney- No, Legolas! Don't eat them!  
  
Legolas- (mouth full of jellybeans) Why not? (Suddenly, he begins to shrink, grows fur, and turns green.) Woof!  
  
Courtney- ...because they transform you into glittery, emerald poodles. My poor Legolas! You've been doggieafied!  
  
Buri- Wouldn't it make more sense for the jellybeans to turn them into PURPLE poodles, since the beans are purple?  
  
Courtney- Of course it would! But, I don't like making sense. It's too...conventional. I like thinking OUTSIDE of the box. Deal with it! And for trying to correct me, Buri, you will grow an enormous, hairy nose that will rival even George's!  
  
(Flash of light, and Buri's nose lengthens.)  
  
Buri- (feeling her nose) Eek! I look like George!  
  
Gandalf- I have a staff! (He wiggles his magical staff in the air.) Hand over the ring!  
  
Courtney- (re-materializes) Yeah, right.  
  
Aragorn- Now!  
  
Courtney- Don't make me use this! (Hold the Ring aloft menacingly.) I have many more diabolical schemes that I won't hesitate to administer on you!  
  
Aragorn- (meekly) Okay.  
  
Legolas- Yip yip yip!  
  
Onua- (squashed flat on the floor) Can I have the Ring?  
  
Courtney- Man! Can't you guys see that I'm not gonna give up the Ring?! You are so irritating!  
  
Sam- I'll give you the box of magical garden earth that Galadriel gave me for it...  
  
Courtney- A container of dirt in exchange for ultimate power? Hmm...that sounds like a good idea! Here you go! (Give Sam the Ring and takes the container.) Just what I've always wanted! (Walks offstage looking at the box with pleasure.) I'll plant strawberries, and roses, and tulips...(Disappears out of sight.)  
  
Sam- (Hold up the Ring with pride) Huzzah! I possess the Ring! Glory and might are mine!  
  
Frodo- (grabs the Ring) Give me that!  
  
Legolas- Woof!  
  
Gandalf- C'mon, let's go find a way to change elf-boy back to normal.  
  
Boromir- Can I go back to being dead? I was beating Abe and Elvis by two strokes!  
  
Gandalf- Sure. (Lifts staff high in the air.)  
  
(Flash of light, and the Fellowship is gone.)  
  
Onua- I'm still mashed...  
  
Buri- (moaning) My nose! (Runs offstage.)  
  
Daine- (looks up) Oh no! Those creepy squirrels ate Myles!  
  
Alanna- Daddy!  
  
George- Step-daddy!  
  
Jon- Livin' la vida loca!  
  
Numair- Didn't anyone else find it a little disturbing that George's mother and Alanna's adopted father got married, and so did Alanna and George?  
  
George- Why you be talking `bout my mama?  
  
Numair- (sighs) Forget it.  
  
Thayet- Like, whose line is it like anyway?  
  
(Everybody but Thayet sighs exasperatedly and leaves the stage.)  
  
Thayet- Like, what did I say?  
  
(Curtain closes)  
  
A/N: Did you like the little Lord of the Rings twist? I realized, while I was writing this, that I (Courtney) was invisible, and I had lots-o-power...and then it came to me- I had the Ring! (looks around) Well, I thought it was a stroke of genius... Anyhoo, this is the last of my food stories. Sorry! I'm running out of brilliant ideas! Maybe, it you're all very good, and I'm super hyper, I'll write another. But for now, this is...  
  
THE END  
  
Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns Rispah, Alanna, Jon, Daine, Coram, Myles, Numair, Buri, Onua, George and Thayet. The Fellowship dudes, Galadriel, and the One Ring belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Ricky Martin and his bad music belong to whatever record company was unlucky enough to sign him on. The story, the torments, and my little self-insertion are of my creation. 


	6. Beverages

A/N: I'm baaaaaaack! I know I said that the candy play was the last one, but how can anyone resist such begging reviews?! "Please, write more!" and "You're the best author EVER!" *looks around smugly* I added a few POTS characters, since so many of you asked me to include them. Normally, I only write fanfics about certain books when I've completed the series (I've only read First Test and Page). But I'm feeling generous today. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one.  
  
Bottom's Up!  
  
(Enter Buri, Daine, Numair, Jon, Alanna, George, Onua, Thayet, Coram, Kel, Myles, Neal, Joren, and Cleon.)  
  
(Each is wearing different-colored clothing, with bold words written on their fronts, identifying their drink: Buri is milk, Daine is fruit juice, Numair is wine, Jon is beer, Alanna is water, George is orange juice, Onua is hot chocolate, Coram is soda/pop, Myles is cappuccino, Kel is chocolate milk, Neal is ale, Joren is goat's milk, Cleon is Kool-Aid, and Thayet is paint.)  
  
Alanna- Greetings! It's good to be back…I guess.  
  
Buri- It's good to be back WITHOUT the fear of mistakes, forgetting our lines, dead people coming back, evil authors with magical rings and fiendish plans, or characters from other books messing up our play.  
  
Joren- (disbelieving) Did all of that really happen?  
  
Myles- You have no idea. I got eaten by rabid mutant squirrels! Lucky for me, anything that happens in one story doesn't carry over to the next.  
  
Jon- Very lucky, otherwise I would still be forced to listen to Ricky Martin. (He shudders.) I cannot believe I ever actually thought of that fool as my hero!  
  
Daine- (muttering) I believe it…  
  
Jon- What was that?  
  
Daine- Nothing!  
  
Alanna- (glaring) We are doing this right for once. We have practiced, and rehearsed, and we are going to do this well! (She scowls at the cast members.) Do you hear me?  
  
All- (meekly) Yes, Alanna.  
  
Alanna- Good! We're doing the milk song first. Buri, you ready?  
  
(Buri nods, and a spotlight shines on her. The other cast members form a half-circle behind her.)  
  
All- (singing to Mary Had A Little Lamb)  
  
Buri drinks a glass of milk  
  
Glass of milk  
  
Glass of milk  
  
Buri drinks a glass of milk  
  
Each and every day  
  
(Buri pantomimes drinking)  
  
It makes her bones big and strong  
  
Big and strong  
  
Big and strong  
  
It makes her bones big and strong  
  
And keeps osteoporosis at bay!  
  
(Buri flexes her muscles, and the audience claps weakly as the music fades)  
  
Alanna- (brightly) You guys did so good!  
  
Cleon- (under his breath) Yeah, and Kel's my girlfriend…  
  
Kel- (looking at him sharply) What?  
  
Cleon- (looking back at her, in mock surprise) I didn't say anything!  
  
Kel- Yes, you did. You said "Yeah, and Kel's my girlfriend."  
  
Cleon- Oh. Well, what I said was, "Yeah, and Kel's my girl FRIEND." Meaning we're friends, and you're a girl. Sheesh.  
  
Kel- (still skeptical) Whatever.  
  
Onua- Would you too shut up already?!  
  
Neal- I talk too much!  
  
Joren- Duh.  
  
George- What has that got to do with anything?  
  
Neal- (shrugs) I dunno. Just felt like getting it out in the open.  
  
Kel- Uh, Neal? We already knew that…  
  
Thayet- I'm the like prettiest like woman in the like world!  
  
Coram- And the dumbest…  
  
Thayet- Like, that too!  
  
Coram- Thank you for making my point, Yer Highness.  
  
Thayet- You're like totally welcome, Cody!  
  
Coram- It's Coram.  
  
Thayet- That's like totally what I like said!  
  
Coram- Uh huh.  
  
Jon- (belches loudly) I'm a man!  
  
Onua- Jon, did you drink any of the beer set out backstage for the crew?  
  
Jon- (hiccups) Nope. I drank it all!  
  
Onua- (backs away, having got a good whiff of his breath) That, my king, is apparent.  
  
Numair- (squints at Jon, swaying slightly) I drank all the *hic* wine. It was simply *hic* delicious.  
  
Neal- Wine shmine! Ale is what I dranked! It makes ya much mored drunk. (belches)  
  
Jon- (his speech is slurred) I know! Let's have a belching contest. I'll bet my kingdom that I can burp louder than anybody.  
  
Alanna- Jon, that is really not a good idea.  
  
Daine- Besides, I want to get through this play!  
  
Jon- (completely set on his idea, ignoring any objections) I am the greatest burper! I'll show you, Tiger!  
  
Alanna- (indignant) Fine, lose your kingdom. Anyone would be a better king than you are. And its Lioness, stupid.  
  
Jon- (belches in response)  
  
Thayet- Am I like in the like bet like too?  
  
Jon- 'Course you are! You're part of my property too, shweetheart.  
  
Thayet- Like, coolio!  
  
Jon- Okey, who wants in on the action?  
  
Numair- Ooh, ooh, me!  
  
George- Me me me me me me me me me me me!  
  
Coram- Count me in. King Coram…hmm, I like the sound of that…  
  
Neal- Can I join?  
  
Cleon- Me too?  
  
Jon- Yuppity yup.  
  
Joren- (sighs) I'll join in as well, even though I'm not a barbarian.  
  
Kel- Who says you aren't?  
  
Joren- My friend the leprechaun who lives in my head.  
  
Kel- Oh. That's cool! I have a pinecone that lives in my head!  
  
Myles- I'm a big drinker, so I want in on the contest. Big, big, BIG drinker!  
  
Daine- (timidly) Can I try?  
  
Jon- (looks at her incredulously) But, you're just a girl!  
  
Daine- Really? Since when? (rolls her eyes)  
  
Alanna- Girls can burp too!  
  
Kel- Yeah, pig! That is, Your Majesty…  
  
Buri- Take that sexist comment back, jerk!  
  
Onua- Let Daine join your contest!  
  
Jon- Or what?  
  
Alanna- Or I'll make you duel me.  
  
Jon- (quickly) Okay, okay, she's in! I'm going first. (He burps, very weakly) Heh heh…whoops.  
  
Numair- My turn! (His burp is longer than Jon's, but not by much) Guess my dream of being king will never be realized…(he wanders offstage, downcast)  
  
Myles- Let me have a try…(He belches really long and loudly) Beat that!  
  
Coram- Not a problem! (He opens his mouth to burp, and a little squeak is emitted) Poopy.  
  
Myles- Yay for me!  
  
(Cleon begins to step up, but George pushes him away.)  
  
George- One side, amateur.  
  
Alanna- (nudges Buri) Watch this. I'm finally gonna be queen!  
  
George- (burps so long and loud that the stage shakes. Ten minutes later, he stops, and then drops to the floor.)  
  
Myles- (laughing gleefully) Ha ha! George is disqualified, cuz he's dead! Guess you forgot about breathing, eh, old buddy?  
  
Alanna- (discouraged) Darn. Queendom slips through my fingers once again.  
  
Cleon- Well, since Mr. "Pro" has gone, I get to try. (He burps the alphabet, all the way to "Y". He remembers to breathe.) Muwhahaha! I'm gonna wear the crown!  
  
Joren- Shut up, moron. You guys ain't seen nothing left.  
  
Kel- (she starts giggling)  
  
Joren- And just what do you find to funny, Lump?  
  
Kel- The pinecone is tickling me!  
  
Joren- (tears welling up in his eyes) Why must you be so hurtful?! (He runs offstage, sobbing uncontrollably.)  
  
Jon- (pokes Neal) You're turn.  
  
Neal- (confused) My turn for what?  
  
Jon- To participate in the burping contest, stupid.  
  
Neal- Oh. Nah, I don't want to anymore. (Something flies by) Oh, a butterfly! (He chases after it and falls off the edge of the stage.) Youch.  
  
(Kel, Buri, and Onua lean over to look at him, laughing and pointing.)  
  
Jon- (trying not to laugh) Okay Daine, you can *laugh* try now.  
  
Daine- (looking terrified) Well, ok… (She takes a big breath:) Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrp!  
  
(Jon, Myles, Cleon, and Coram all step back, their hair looking windblown.)  
  
(Alanna, Buri, Onua, Kel, and even Thayet start clapping and cheering.)  
  
Daine- Did I win?  
  
Jon- (mutters something inaudible)  
  
Alanna- (smirking, leans over to Jon, cupping her ear) What did you say, my king? That is, my FORMER king?  
  
Jon- I said, *mumble mumble*.  
  
Kel- Speak up, so we can all hear you!  
  
Jon- (red in the face) Yes Daine, you won.  
  
Daine- Yippee! I'm the queen of Tortall! Bow down to me and bask in my royal glory! (No one listens, thinking it's just a joke) NOW! (She points to the floor)  
  
(Everyone grovels at her feet, muttering curses.)  
  
(Daine dances happily around the stage.)  
  
Daine- (singing, to any random tune) I'm the queen! I'm the queen! Hooray for me, cuz I'm queen of Tortall! Queen Daine, Queen Daine, Wildmage Daine the QUEEN!  
  
Jon- (sprawled on the floor) Yeah, we get it already.  
  
Daine- (stops dancing) My first act as queen is to throw our previous sovereigns in the dungeons, along with fifty gallons of purple Jello-O.  
  
Jon- NOOOOOOO! Anything but the PURPLE Jell-O! Please, the dungeon thing is bad enough. Can't it be green Jello-O? Maybe the kind with fruit inside…?  
  
Daine- I don't think so.  
  
Thayet- Like, yay! We like totally get to spend the like rest of our like lives in the dank, like dark dungeons!  
  
Alanna- (shaking her head) So much for are perfect play. One measly song, that was all we got in before the chaos started…(she wanders aimlessly offstage)  
  
Buri- Enough of this nonsense. Daine, give Jon back his throne.  
  
Daine- (stubbornly) No way. I like being queen!  
  
Onua- (rolls her eyes) You've been queen for what, FIVE stinking minutes?!  
  
Daine- So? Have YOU ever been queen?  
  
Myles- I used to be the queen of the Copper Islands…  
  
Cleon- Which explains their line of insanity awfully well…  
  
Myles- (agreeing) Doesn't it, though?  
  
Onua- Daine, if you don't reinstate Jon as king, I'm gonna shave your head.  
  
Daine- (pouting) Oh, fine. You just keep away from my hair, Onua Scissors- hands. (reluctantly) Jon, you're the stupid king again. (leaves the stage in a huff)  
  
Jon- Yes! Me is king! Wa hoo!  
  
Cleon, Buri, Myles, Onua, and Coram- Oh, shut up.  
  
Jon- It's off to the dungeons with you all!  
  
Thayet- Like, me too?  
  
Jon- Sure, why not?  
  
Thayet- Yay! I like totally love the like dungeons! The rats and spiders and moss are my friends…  
  
Jon- (runs around the stage, arms flailing) I'm such a good king! Me me me me me me me me me good king!  
  
Buri, Cleon, Myles, Coram and Onua- Shut up.  
  
Jon- Ok.  
  
Buri- (looks around) Hey, the curtain is still open…but all of the audience members are asleep…  
  
Myles- We cured everybody's insomnia! We're heroes! I think we deserve the Noble Prize…  
  
Cleon- (smacks him upside the head) Quiet, old man.  
  
Coram- Nobel Prize! Nobel Prize! Yay, we won the Nobel Prize…I would like to thank all of the little people…wait, what's a Noble Prize…?  
  
Alanna- (storms back onstage, screaming) IF YOU DON'T GET OFFSTAGE THIS VERY INSTANT, YOU'RE ALL GONERS! (She looks around, seeing the stage empty) Hello…?  
  
(Curtain closes)  
  
  
  
A/N: Okay, this is definitely the last of the Tortallan Foods saga. I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but I think this series is getting old. Tell you what: If you guys want, you can right your own installments of the Foods stories, as long as you put the disclaimer on their giving me credit for the idea. That way, you can all contribute your ideas! Thank you all very, very much for your reviews and support. I'm going to continue writing other stories, but its just time to put this one out to pasture. Thanks again!  
  
Disclaimer: The foods idea is mine, as is the belching contest, the milk song, and the chaos that ensues. All of the characters belong to the wonderful Tamora Pierce. I don't claim Ricky Martin, and I don't think anybody else wants to either.  
  
And now, I bid you all ado.  
  
1 THE END  
  
(Really)  
  
(I swear, it is!)  
  
(Really! It's the end!)  
  
(Oh, just go away.)  
  
(But make sure you review, first.)  
  
(Or else I'll sick Alanna on you…) 


	7. Pies

A/N: Okay, okay, I just couldn't resist. I had to right another installment of the Foods saga. Sheesh, this series has taken on a life of it's own! Oh well. Now, I expect lots and lots of supportive and praising reviews, and I might just be tempted to right more! Rejoice!  
  
Pass the Pie, Please!  
  
(Enter Alanna, Kel, Coram, Buri, Onua, Jon, George, Numair, Myles, Neal, Daine, Joren, Cleon, and Thayet.)  
  
(Each character is wearing different colored jumpsuits, with bold words on their chests, identifying their pie: Alanna- pink, cherry pie. George- orange, pumpkin pie. Daine- olive green and brown, mince meat pie. Cleon- brown and white, French silk pie. Jon- bright red, apple pie. Coram- red and green, rhubarb pie. Neal- white, coconut cream pie. Buri- brown, chocolate pie. Numair- tan, chicken pot pie. Myles- deep brown, pecan pie. Joren- neon green, key lime pie. Kel- light yellow, banana cream pie. Onua- neon yellow, lemon meringue pie. And finally, wearing black, is Thayet. She claims that "poodle" is a pie.)  
  
Buri- (moaning) I can't believe we're out here AGAIN! I mean, how many stinking food plays can we possibly do?! This is the SEVENTH! (slaps her hand to her forehead.) Somebody just kill me now.  
  
Daine- (looking at Thayet) Please tell me you haven't actually EATEN poodle pie…  
  
Thayet- Like, I totally LOVE poodle ice like cream!  
  
Daine- I said "pie"…  
  
Thayet- Like, totally!  
  
Daine- Nincompoop.  
  
Thayet- Poop! (she runs around stage yelling "poop" at the top of her lungs) Three cheers like for poop! Hip, like hip, hooray! Like hip, hip, hoo-  
  
Jon- (interrupting) Okay dear, that's quite enough.  
  
Thayet- Poop like on youp!  
  
Alanna- Shut up, Thayet. You're giving me a headache.  
  
Thayet- Like, super cool!  
  
All- Shut up already, Thayet!  
  
Thayet- Desolée, mais je ne parle pas l'anglais… ((-A/N: This means "Sorry, but I don't speak English" in French. I tried writing in it Spanish first, then it occurred to me- I don't SPEAK Spanish…I'm taking French! Talk about a total Thayet moment…-))  
  
Myles- (sighs) Fermez la bouche, reine! ((Translation- "Shut your mouth, queen!"))  
  
Thayet- Je mange les boucles d'oreilles et les livres! ((Translation- "I eat earrings and books!"))  
  
Coram- Anybody understand what they're saying?  
  
Numair- Nope.  
  
Kel- Nada.  
  
Onua- Sorry. I'm barely able to even speak Japanese.  
  
Cleon- I'm too dumb…  
  
Neal- Non, je regrette. ((Translation- "No, I'm sorry."))  
  
George- I drink paint on a regular basis! (his eyes roll back in his head and his face goes slack.)  
  
Joren- (looking in a little hand mirror) I'm sure that I'm the most beautiful soon-to-be-knight in all of Tortall…Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?  
  
Mirror- (in a squeaky little voice) You are, dearest Joren!  
  
Joren- You are so right…(stares into the mirror longingly) Is it wrong to fall in love with yourself?  
  
Coram- Very wrong.  
  
Mirror- Kiss me!  
  
Joren- My lovely reflection, pucker up! (He starts making out with the mirror)  
  
Kel- Ewww….  
  
Alanna- That's twisted.  
  
Numair- I always knew there was something horribly wrong with that boy, but I hadn't suspected that! (Grimaces)  
  
Jon- Narcissus fat boy.  
  
Joren- (looks up from the mirror, tears in his eyes) I am so NOT fat! You, you, you  
  
meanie king! May all of your descendants look like trolls!  
  
Jon- (tears welling up in his own eyes) I thought I decreed that nobody could mention the way my children look?! (runs offstage, sobbing)  
  
(Joren runs offstage as well, in the other direction, crying like a little baby, and he drops his mirror, causing more tears.)  
  
Onua- And then there were twelve…  
  
Daine- (looking at her sharply) What was that?  
  
Onua- I said, "And then there were twelve", meaning two of our number left. Why?  
  
Daine- (brow furrowed in confusion) I don't know. It's just that that phrase sounds familiar…  
  
George- (he looks "normal" now) I want a Big Mac!  
  
Buri- A what…?  
  
George- A Mac that is exceptionally big! Duh.  
  
Buri- (rolling her eyes) Oh yeah, that really explains a lot.  
  
George- Fab-u-lous!  
  
Daine- I like to put French fries in my ears!  
  
Alanna- (gasps) No way! I thought I was the only person who did that!  
  
Neal- I do it too. It's really fun! Your ears get clean, and the fry is seasoned with tasty earwax afterwards! Earwax, nature's ketchup.  
  
Cleon- Are you kidding?! Forget the fries, I just go straight for the earwax! (digs his finger in his ear and sucks on it.) Mmm…earwax…  
  
Onua- (upset) Why wasn't I picked to be the mighty apple pie? Once more I'm looked over for the privilege of applie-ness…  
  
Numair- PLEASE tell me you're not starting that nonsense again…  
  
Onua- (whining) I just wanna be the glorious apple! (she runs offstage) Jon, Jon! Come here! I want your apple pie costume…  
  
Buri- And then there were eleven…  
  
Daine- Stop that.  
  
Buri- Stop what?  
  
Daine- Stop saying that creepy phrase.  
  
Myles- Je n'aime pay toi, Thayet. (He points at her) Morte! ((Translation- "I don't like you, Thayet. DIE!"))  
  
Thayet- Je n'aime pas les réfrigérateurs. ((Translation- "I don't like refrigerators.")) (After she finishes saying this, she drops dead.)  
  
Myles- (still pointing) Whoa, cool. I have the killing power!  
  
(Everybody backs away.)  
  
Alanna- Don't you point that finger at me.  
  
Buri- And then there were…  
  
Daine- Don't say it…  
  
Buri- …ten.  
  
Daine- Ack! You said it! (She screams)  
  
Myles- Stop screaming! (He points at Daine, and she collapses, dead)  
  
Buri- And then there were nine.  
  
Daine- (comes back from the dead) Stop that! (She whacks Buri in the head, and she dies too.)  
  
Numair- And then there were eight.  
  
Coram- Okay, that is really getting on my nerves.  
  
Neal- Bubbles terrify me!  
  
Cleon- Why?!  
  
Neal- Cuz they're so round, and soapy, and they float…  
  
Kel- Yeah, that does make a little bit of sense…if you're a numskull.  
  
Neal- Then we're in agreement! I'm a bubble-fearing numskull!  
  
(Suddenly, a gigantic bubble floats onstage and engulfs Kel and Neal.)  
  
Bubble- (smacks it's lips) Yummalicious.  
  
Numair- (horrified) Neal didn't specify that he was afraid of GIANT bubbles that eat people…  
  
Cleon- So, maybe Neal's fear was understandable. Big deal. That bubble ated my Kelly! I cannot live without my dewdrop! (He runs and throws himself inside the bubble.)  
  
George- And then their were five.  
  
Coram- Is anyone else getting a little a-feared for their lives?  
  
Alanna- Why should I be afraid? I've got the Great Mother Goddess looking after me. Nothing can kill me until she says so. (She smiles smugly) And She likes me too much.  
  
(The Mother appears onstage, with a big bang.)  
  
Goddess- (smiling cruelly at Alanna, her eyes cold) I think that you've served your purpose in life, Alanna. Perhaps I should send you to the Realms of the Dead…  
  
Alanna- (on her knees) No! Please, Great Mother, don't condemn me to the Black God's realms! I promise I'll be good!  
  
Goddess- Nope, sorry. I've already made my decision. Off you go now!  
  
(There is a crack of thunder and a bolt of lighting, and Alanna disappears.)  
  
Goddess- Anyone else?  
  
(George, Coram, Numair and Myles shake their head furiously.)  
  
Numair- No, Great Mother, we're all pretty happy being alive.  
  
(The others all nod in agreement.)  
  
Goddess- (shrugs) Well, all righty then. I've got to get back to the Divine Realms; there was a nasty rumor about Broad Foot going crazy and forcing all of the Stormwings to act like chickens. How a little duck mole could do that, I cannot fathom…(She fades out of sight)  
  
Myles- And then there were four.  
  
Coram- Okay, now I'm begging you: Please stop saying that!  
  
George- Why? I think it's funny.  
  
Coram- Well, it's giving me the creeps.  
  
Numair- You give me the creeps on a daily basis.  
  
George- Which reminds me! (He reaches into his pocket) I forgot to drink today's serving of paint! (He pulls out a can of paint) Mmm…yellow paint is my favorite.  
  
Myles- You know, that stuff can give you brain damage.  
  
George- (his face taking on a vacant look) Wha' did ya say, Mr. Walrus?  
  
Myles- Never mind. You've already proved my point. (He holds up a healthy- looking blob.) This is your brain. (Holds up a diseased, multi-colored blob.) This is your brain on paint. (He hurls them at George.)  
  
George- (the blobs hit him and splatter all over) Hey, yous gotsded shtuff on me garmentses. Whatcha do that fer?  
  
Myles- I don't like the color orange.  
  
George- Oh. Well, I s'pose dat's okey-dokey.  
  
(Joren runs back onstage. He whispers in Myles' ear. They start giggling like little school girls.)  
  
George- And then there were five again.  
  
Coram- What's so funny?  
  
Myles- (snickering) Joren says that Jon is sitting on his "porcelain throne".  
  
(All but Numair burst out laughing.)  
  
Numair- (confused) I don't get it…  
  
Joren- The "great" Numair Salmalín doesn't understand the joke? Oh, NOT sorry! (He runs back offstage.)  
  
Numair- (whimpers) So? I don't have to be smart all the time! Waaaaah! (He runs after Joren) Somebody tell me what a porcelain throne is!  
  
Myles- And then there were three.  
  
George- (squinting) Are you sure? I thinks there's a only dis many. (He holds up eight fingers.) Sixty-two fifty-fivers.  
  
Coram- Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever.  
  
Myles- Hey George? Do you think I could have some of your paint…?  
  
Coram- I thought you said it causes brain damage?!  
  
Myles- The only way I'm gonna get through the rest of this play is if I'm doped up on paint.  
  
George- I don't wanna shared. Da paint ish mine!  
  
Coram- Wait a second…what's keeping us here? I mean, Alanna's dead, so there's no one threatening our lives to make us do the play. We could just leave.  
  
Myles- Yeah, that's good and all, but I really want some paint!  
  
George- I live in a fish tank! Fear the fishy-ness!  
  
Coram- (rolling his eyes) Oh believe me, I do. (takes on a look of mock- horror) See me fearing the "fishy-ness"?  
  
George- I like to wear strollers!  
  
Myles- Guess what word I'm thinking of! I'll give you a hint- it isn't "towel".  
  
George- It's "apple of doom", isn't it?  
  
Coram- Was it "towel"?  
  
Myles- (looks at Coram, absolutely terrified) C-can you read my mind?  
  
Coram- (wiggling his fingers and talking in a spooky voice) Yes, I'm psychic! Boogedy boogedy boo!  
  
Myles- Get out of my head! (He falls off the edge of the stage and dies)  
  
George- I like to wear wedding dresses! (He starts twitching, and then he dies.)  
  
Coram- Geez! This play was so morbid! Everybody died…oh well. I like fitting in…(He drops dead.)  
  
Ominous voice- And then there were none…  
  
  
  
A/N: Hmm. That WAS a little morbid, wasn't it? Daine just had to go and say that "And then there were twelve," opening up a can of worms. Nice going! Oh well. Um, it's really not a good idea to drink paint, so don't do it! Yeah…  
  
Disclaimer: I own the pandemonium and the craziness. I forget the author who wrote "And Then There Were Ten". Wait, is there even a book with that title? Ugh, I need to go to sleep…anyhoo, Tamora Pierce owns all of the characters. McDonald's owns the Big Macs. Yah. 


	8. Cakes

1.1.1 A/N: Okay, this episode of Foods has a dedication. And that person is…drum roll please…ME! Yes, lil ol' me. Normally, I'm NOT this self- absorbed (really, I'm not!), but it's my birthday, so I'm making the gang celebrate it, my style. Oh yeah: I "fired" Joren, Myles and Coram, cuz they just weren't crazy enough, and they're stupid. And they bugged me. Hmph. *pouts* Never fear- I'll put them back it later…maybe. Enjoy!  
  
2 Piece of (Birthday!) Cake  
  
(Enter Alanna, Daine, Neal, Numair, Kel, Thayet, Jon, George, Cleon, Buri and Onua.)  
  
(Each is dressed as a slice of cake with a candle in the middle, Daine as vanilla, Alanna as chocolate, Neal as coconut, Numair as cheesecake, Kel as white (yes, there is white cake), Jon as fudge, George as sponge, Cleon as lemon cake, Buri as a big, white, flowery wedding cake (complete with a bride and groom hat), Onua as yellow cake, and Thayet as a shoe, covered in frosting, laces untied.)  
  
Daine- (voice shaky) We have just received word that Courtney, the evil author, might be stopping by later to torture us…  
  
Neal- (snorts) Geez Daine, you sound like you're reporting the news! "We have just received word that a giant walrus is rampaging the streets of Corus, singing show tunes. Next up is weather. There is a chance of falling snowmen." (falls to the floor, overcome with the giggles)  
  
Daine- (snobbishly) I'm glad that you are laughing at your jokes, because no one else is.  
  
Thayet- Like, oh no! Is there like really gonna like be falling snow like mens?! Where like can we hide from like them?  
  
Jon- Do you ever shut up?  
  
Thayet- "See a penny, pick it up. Then all day long you'll have a penny!"  
  
Jon- Wha…?  
  
Coram- Ooh, ooh, I've got one! (clears his throat) "What if the hokey- pokey really is what it's all about?"  
  
Numair- Whazza hokey-pokey-ness all about?  
  
Alanna- My turn! "An apple a day keeps my foot in the door!"  
  
George- That make less sense than the hokey-pokey thing.  
  
Alanna- Marvelous.  
  
Kel- I gots a jokie-poo… "What do gay horses eat?"  
  
Cleon- Yo mama!  
  
Kel- Close, but no cigar. The answer us… "Hay-ay!"  
  
Disembodied voice- That was stupid, Kel.  
  
(Everybody screams.)  
  
Buri- Run for your lives! Courtney's back!  
  
Onua- (runs around in a circle, flailing her arms) And she's got that evil ring to torture us with!  
  
Numair- (stops Onua) No, she doesn't.  
  
Onua- What cho talkin' bout?  
  
Daine- Don't you remember? She gave the ring to those weird guys from other books, in exchange for some dirt.  
  
Courtney- (sashays on stage, hands on her hips, hair swinging) And you know what? That stupid soil KILLED all of my tulips! That was the stupidest trade I have ever made.  
  
Alanna- Well, duh. Dirt for a really cool ring is ALWAYS stupid.  
  
Courtney- DO NOT SPEAK TO ME IN THAT MANNER!  
  
Alanna- (taken aback) Why not? You can't do anything about it. What are you gonna do, throw dirt on me?!  
  
Courtney- (eyes hardening) Oh, believe me, I CAN do something about it…(starts typing the air in front of her.)  
  
Thayet- What's she like doing?  
  
Courtney- (still typing) Reeking havoc. Why?  
  
Thayet- Like, no like reason!  
  
Neal- But…you can't…no ring… (scratches his head)  
  
Courtney- (looks up from her invisible keyboard) Oh, that? Puh, I don't need that anymore to cause you guys misery. I found a more efficient way! With the computer, I simply type a few words, and boom! Instant pain!  
  
Numair- (completely dumbfounded) Com-poo-ter?  
  
Courtney- (sighs) Let me demonstrate. (Strikes one last invisible key) There!  
  
(2 tons of dirt, mud, rocks and worms fall from the sky and land directly on Alanna.)  
  
Courtney- (smiles, admiring her handiwork) Technology is simply divine…(strokes the invisible keyboard)  
  
Alanna- (pokes her head through the mound and spits dirt out of her mouth) Yes, divine.  
  
Courtney- Now, you're turn Numair…(begins typing, then stops) Wait, one more thing. (She waltzes up to Numair and gives him a big, long, passionate kiss. She sighs contentedly.) I have been wanting to do that for the longest time.  
  
2.1 Numair- Hey, that was cool with me.  
  
2.2 Daine- (smacks Numair upside the head) Shut your mouth!  
  
Courtney- (rolls her eyes) Anyway…(starts typing again. She hits the right "enter" key, then turns to look at Numair.)  
  
(10 very large, heavy computers fall on Numair.)  
  
Courtney- (pointing) THOSE are computers. Any questions?  
  
(The cast, those who aren't buried, anyway, shake their heads.)  
  
Courtney- Good! Next on the agenda…It's my 16th birthday, so I want you all to sing me Happy Birthday!  
  
Jon- Why should we?  
  
Courtney- Cuz if you don't, I'm gonna dump stuff on YOU.  
  
All- Happy birthday to you!  
  
Happy birthday to you!  
  
Happy birthday dear Courtney-  
  
Courtney- (interrupting) Ah ah ah! Didn't we discuss this already? You aren't on a first-name basis with me.  
  
George- So, what do you want us to call you? That "Supreme Empress" thing?  
  
Courtney- (thoughtful) No…something else…how about "Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney"?  
  
Neal- Whatever make you happy…  
  
Most Excellent Goddess Courtney- That's right. Whatever make ME happy. Now, sing, lowly mortals!  
  
All- Happy birthday to you!  
  
Happy birthday to you!  
  
Happy birthday dear Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney,  
  
Happy birthday to you!  
  
Courtney- (wiping a tear from the corner of her eye) That was lovely! Now…presents!  
  
Buri- Doesn't cake come before presents?  
  
Courtney- Not when it's MY birthday!  
  
Thayet- Can it like be my like birthday?  
  
Courtney- No.  
  
Cleon- What exactly do you want?  
  
Courtney- The Universe…but for now I'll just settle for your most prized possessions.  
  
Alanna- (she's out from under the dirt) What?!  
  
Courtney- You heard me. But first I need something. (turns to the keyboard and types. A diamond-covered tiara appears on her head. She holds up a mirror and primps.) Exquisite.  
  
George- I gotta admit, I agree.  
  
Numair- (having extracted himself from beneath the computer pile) Me too.  
  
Jon- Mm-hmm.  
  
Neal- Divine…  
  
Cleon- Heck yeah!  
  
Courtney- (smiling serenely) Thank you. Now, Jon, you are giving me the Dominion Jewel.  
  
Jon- I am?  
  
Courtney- (nods) Mm-hmm. Fork it over.  
  
Jon- (shrugs) 'Kay. (Pulls the Jewel out of his pocket.) Happy birthday, Most High and Excellent Goddess Courtney.  
  
Alanna- (smacks Jon up the head) You idiot! I nearly got myself KILLED getting that stupid thing for you!  
  
Jon- (rubbing his head) So? She's got lot's-o-power. What was I supposed to do, refuse and have 17 cows dropped on me or something?  
  
Courtney- Excellent idea, Jon! I'm saving that one for later. (types) Who's next? Alanna, how nice of you to give me the Goddess's token! I'll treasure it forever.  
  
Alanna- No way!  
  
Courtney- (index finger hovering over the "enter" key) I just cannot wait to try out Jon's idea…  
  
Alanna- (reluctantly) Oh, all right…(gives Courtney the token.) There. Happy, you grubby mumble mumble?  
  
Courtney- (putting on the token, in a sing-songie voice) I'm ignoring you, mutt! Numair, you are giving me you staff and your black robe? Why, thank you!  
  
Numair- No way! That robe looks spiffy and cool on me. You can't have it!  
  
Courtney- (whining) But, I want it! Come on! I look so good in black.  
  
Numair- (folds his arms across his chest) It's mine!  
  
Courtney- (points menacingly at the general area of the invisible computer) Don't make me use this…  
  
Numair- Fine. (pulls off his mage's robe and hands it and the staff to Courtney.)  
  
Courtney- (snatches them) Gimme! (she dons the robe and waves the staff around in the air.) I've got magic!  
  
Thayet- Like, what are you gonna like take from like me?  
  
Courtney- I dunno…what's your most prized possession?  
  
Thayet- Most like definitely my like clothing. Like my totally cute like orange tube tops!  
  
Courtney- Never mind. I don't want your clothes.  
  
Thayet- Like, yay! I like totally get to like keep my like clothes! (dances merrily around the stage)  
  
Courtney- Kel, you're giving me all of the presents that your mysterious benefactor gave you, plus all of your Yamani shtuff, your lucky cats, and Peachblossom. Neal, your flowery pink blouse is now mine.  
  
Neal- (trying to sound innocent) What?! I don't own a flowery pink blouse…  
  
Courtney- Yes you do. You parade around your quarters, admiring yourself in the mirror all the time. But you can't do that anymore, since I own the blouse now.  
  
Neal- (under his breath) At least I still have my neon green Hawaiian shirt…  
  
Courtney- Daine, from you I'm taking Numair.  
  
Daine- What?! You can't take Numair!  
  
Courtney- I can, and I am. C'mere, big boy.  
  
Numair- (acts like a dog and runs over to Courtney) Hi.  
  
Courtney- (tilts her head up and looks at Numair) I just love tall guys. (hugs him around the waist.) What a great birthday.  
  
Onua- Does that mean you're not gonna take anything away from Buri, George, Cleon, and me?  
  
Courtney- Why would I want any of your crud?  
  
Buri- I dunno…  
  
Courtney- I have everything I want. Jon's Dominion Jewel, Alanna's token from the Goddess, Neal's flowery pink blouse, pretty much all of Kel's belongings, Numair's staff and robe, and Numair himself. (Hugs Numair's arm.)  
  
Thayet- But, you like totally forgot about my like orange like tube tops! (holds the orange monstrosity out in front of her and races towards Courtney.)  
  
Courtney- (screams and drops all of her "presents") Get that thing away from me!  
  
Thayet- You should like totally try it like on!  
  
Courtney- No! You can't make me!  
  
Thayet- But it would like totally go with your like blue like eyes!  
  
Courtney- No! I don't want any of your crud! Just, get her away from me! (She grabs her computer and types furiously, then disappears.)  
  
Jon- Thayet! You did it! You got rid of her!  
  
Thayet- What are you like talking about? I just like wanted to like have her like try on my prettyfull tube like top…  
  
George- Point is, you got rid of her!  
  
Numair- I kinda liked her…  
  
Daine- (punches him in the stomach) You like me! ME!  
  
Numair- (winded) What *gasp* ever.  
  
Onua- (grabs Thayet's tube top) Orange tube tops: evil author repellent.  
  
Kel- (holds up Neal's blouse from the pile) I can't believe that you wear this.  
  
Neal- Shut up! (snatches it away from her)  
  
Alanna- I think this play is just about over.  
  
Jon- I agree. Let's go.  
  
Buri- I'm a wedding cake! Fear the bride and groom! Muwhahaha!  
  
Cleon- Whatever.  
  
(Curtain closes)  
  
A/N: Did you like the birthday special? I hope so…I'm 16 today (April 26)! Yay!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the chaos, and Neal's flowery pink blouse. Tamora Pierce owns all of the lovely, fun-to-torture characters. 


End file.
